Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I'm a Spinster - and here's the deal

I've been thinking about personalizing my tags. To read 'Spinsta". I'm not weird or excited about this kind of stuff. I'm just tired of explaining stuff. And I think these tags may actually serve a purpose. What am I going on about, you wonder.

Another year older!!! Over the Hill!!! Black balloons. Much cheer. Alcohol - oh lots of noise, shouting. Such cheer. Just because you turned a year older. How wonderful! Birthdays are increasingly becoming tedious. First and foremost, because birthday partying is too hard to do as I get older. That added with the fact that I'm hating more and more the question "so how old are you now". Well, dude, here's the answer. I'm too old to be your girlfriend!!!!! The only thing I don't qualify to do is to vie for presidency yet. That's how old I am. See, before I had no problems with turning older. Until that one day... I was struggling with staying in a bent position for as long as I needed. Then wondered about it out loud. And my dearest cousin pointed out I wasn't eighteen anymore! Alas!

Eighteen??? Eighteen. Jeez, that was ten years ago. But ten years ago is soo in the recent past. Does this mean, give it about the same amount of time, I will be forty?? Well, close to anyway. Ahhhh! Noooooo (tremble) noooo. What??? Look, the other day I was the youth. All the upcoming musicians were my agemates. Now, I can't help thinking that this is one industry that is full of kids!!! Oh my gosh!!!! And all my friends are discussing marriage or are married. Ok. Everyone take a chill pill. Everything is moving way too quickly. Hold on... hold on. Let's try this again.

Ok, seeing that we are not communicating, listen to this. I'm not ready to grow up, let alone grow old!!!!! I want my youth. I don't mean the looks, but I want those too. I want my youth. The confidence and the time to do everything. I don't want to be rushing to beat deadlines imposed by society anymore. I want to just be. I don't want a husband or kids right now, and I want my Indian friends to cease directing me to shadi.com to look for a husband?! Apparently these days at 28 and not married indicates something wrong with me? May I declare that I still make men turn! I am not married because I have said no. Damn I hate this age. I hate having to explain why I'm not married. So here goes. Because I don't want to be. I am a selfish modern day female and hate the idea of being tied down to a husband and kids. As I said, I want my youth. I like to be able to miss Florida and just purchase a ticket and leave without having people to worry about. I love that. And being 28 does not make me ready to give it up. No way!

So, as I walk around, shopping for clothes, I take into consideration my age.That's fine. I sincerely don't care to dress like I was sixteen. I just like a good pair of jeans or pants and a sexy flattering top. My dilemma comes in with the minis and the shorts. When do they get too short? And the summer makes me crave short things. But I've learnt to trust my judgement. If I think it will last longer in the closet and maybe make it out once or twice in two years, I skip it. And that's fair. That I can do. Meanwhile, at the stores, I have to deal with young little girls, counting how many clothes I'm taking to the changing rooms and rechecking them. Maybe because I'm black? Maybe because they are young. Just wanna say to them "honey at my age, eighty dollars just aint worth the trouble being caught shoplifting would be for me". Now those kind of changes I like! I also like to leave work and wonder whether to hit the malls, go to the bar or go run a bath. Everything centered around me. That's wonderful. I like that. Now maybe we all understand why there isn't enough room for a husband in my life. Selfish. Yes keyword here, selfish. But, at least I admit it and no one has to suffer. I don't have to give it up before I'm ready and no man has to be put through dealing with a moody unhappy spouse.

Therefore, yes, I am 28 now. And yes, 30 is round the corner. And yes, I have graduated college. But NO!!!! I am not ready for marriage. And no, don't hook me up. And yes, men still ask me out. But no, I don't wanna date. Why you ask? Because at my age, they are serious and want a wife and I don't want to be a wife. And because I enjoy learning myself. My tastes, my preferences. I'm still discovering me. May I please have a little more time to do this? And if I learn that I prefer me alone, unattached, may I request the blessings from the society to go against the norm? Just be me. Say no to marriage...please?

1 comment:

Tomilay said...

Umedinya point.